Today, women face one of the biggest barriers to success – the fear of failure. Being paralysed by failure sometimes keeps us from trying new things and putting ourselves out there.
I will never forget when, at a women’s leadership conference in Shanghai a few years ago, a male CEO shared, “As a manager, I can’t count over the years how many different men I’ve had come into my office and tell me they were ready for a promotion when they were not. I also can’t count how many women I’ve spoken to and had to work hard to convince them that they were ready.” Research has replicated this phenomenon, with one study Leader self‐awareness: An examination and implications of women’s under‐prediction said that women (but not men) tend to underestimate how their boss rates their leadership competence.
Somewhat ironically, high-achieving women tend to be very tough on themselves and often do not perceive the true extent of their capabilities. Here are some strategies for combating the feeling that you do not belong or that you are not good enough.
Balance your Internal Narrative
Once, a good friend of mine moved to Dubai for a challenging new job. Every time we spoke, she would list all the failures and negative things that happened in her new role. One day, I asked her, “Tell me only three positive things you did, no matter how small or insignificant”. After she did, I could see her head lifted a little higher. This simple act gave some truth to her perspective – she was not all bad. Try it! Each evening, take the time to make a mental note of three positive things that you accomplished that day.
Set Up a Dedicated Email Folder
Several years ago I set up a folder in my email inbox. Each time that I publish an article, a student says something nice about my teaching, or someone thanks me for helping them, I move the email to the folder and re-read the messages when I am feeling low. As a side note, focusing on helping others is another great way to showcase your strengths and move your cognitive focus from yourself to other people.
Build Smart Networks
You don’t have to do it all! Build a network that includes people who provide support and others who provide resources. Don’t just surround yourself with people who are similar to you, but include people who complement your weaknesses.
Identify the Cause
Figure out what is making you insecure. Is it because you are the only woman in the room? Or the only one with a different educational background or culture? Are you physically feeling tired or unwell? Knowing the cause reduces its negative impact on you. Here’s a tip: Mentally picture the people that believe in you for an instant confidence boost.
Mental Reframing
When these feelings creep up, remember that challenging situations lead to growth. Learn to welcome these feelings of discomfort as a sign you are heading in the right direction. My favourite quote that captures this sentiment is by Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, Africa’s first woman president. She said, “The size of your dreams must always exceed your current capacity to achieve them. If your dreams don’t scare you, they aren’t big enough”. The one thing you should fear is realising that you have not felt inadequate in a while, as this means you are stuck in your comfort zone when you should be pushing yourself to greatness.
Dr Emily M. David is Associate Professor of Management & Organisation at NUS Business School, where she researches on diversity and inclusion at the workplace. One of her studies found that the mistreatment women face at work may be unnoticed or rationalised by male colleagues.